**** The Ship: UACS Escher The Captain: Loden Taylor The Crew: Urania - a muse and film buff Gordon Freeman - a physicist and survivor Kiyone Makibi - a detective and fighter The Mission: To MST bad fan fics These are their stories. **** "So," Loden said to himself, "this is how it all ends." He sighed as he looked out the viewing window at the nebula outside, listening as the second movement Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique played on the speakers. "ATTENTION: TWO MINUTES TO SELF DESTRUCT," intoned the PA, interrupting Loden's quiet reflections. Not much longer, he thought. It was sad, really. So much left undone... "Loden?" He turned to see Kiyone standing in his doorway. "Do you want to talk about it?" "There's nothing left to say, Kiyone." Loden shook his head sadly. "It's all over. The mission is a failure. A winner isn't us. We're standing at the Pac-Man machine with empty pockets..." "ATTENTION: ONE MINUTE, THIRTY SECONDS TO SELF DESTRUCT." "...we've run the 440 with a lead cape, and a snail in each shoe. We're George McGovern, and we've just gotten beaten by Nixon. We..." "I get it, I get it. But why do you want to blow up the ship?" Loden shrugged. "There's just something missing from all of this. It's like the honeymoon is over, you know? The spark is gone." He turned to face the window once again. "Now there's nothing left to do but destroy the Escher." "ATTENTION: ONE MINUTE TO SELF DESTRUCT." "Farewell, sweet Escher. You've served us well." Kiyone shifted nervously in the doorway. "Um...Loden?" "You'd better get to an escape pod, Kiyone. I'm not leaving the ship, and I can't stop the countdown." "Loden?" "So much left undone, so much left unsaid..." "ATTENTION: THIRTY SECONDS TO SELF DESTRUCT." Kiyone took a few steps foreword. "Loden? I hate to break it to you, but the self destruct device doesn't work. You disabled it yourself, remember?" Loden blinked, turning quickly. "I did?" "You were afraid you might one day do something stupid - like this - and try to blow up the ship." Loden was still for a moment, lost in thought. "Oh yeah," he finally said. "But what is it hooked up to now?" "SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS." Kiyone shrugged. "I guess we'll find out." "4" "3" "2" "1" >From down the hall there was a loud "POP," followed by a loud curse. A moment later, Gordon Freeman was standing in Loden's doorway as well. "All right," he said, "does anyone know why the hell the coffee maker just exploded?" The room was silent for a moment as Loden stood with a puzzled look on his face. "Okay...that was odd..." he finally said. Kiyone merely nodded, apparently not surprised. Loden shook his head as if to clear it. "Anyway, that doesn't change the fact that I can't seem to find good fic to MST...or, rather, a BAD one. None that I can find have that certain...SOMETHING...that really makes them God-awful." Kiyone thought for a moment. "Well, if it's God-awful that you want, why not use a AAA-PhuckNut piece?" The moment she spoke, she regretted it. Loden's face lit up in an insane look of glee. "YES!" he cried. "That's IT! That's EXACTLY what we need!" Gordon looked pensive. "Actually, I'm not really sure that we NEED something like that..." But Loden wasn't listening. "We've strayed from the TRUE path! A AAA-PhuckNut piece is just what the doctor ordered!" He laughed as he typed rapidly at his computer. "Ah! Here it is! 'Extremely Sick Sex Fest'. Perfect! And, while we're at it, why not do a classic?" Kiyone sighed. "Great. I don't suppose that by 'classic' you mean something like 'Where the Sky Meats the Sea'? Is that too much to hope for?" Loden laughed again. "Better than that! We'll also do 'Yosho, the Old Man who Rapes Teenage Boys'! How could it get any better?" Freeman elbowed Kiyone. "Nice one." Kiyone grimaced. "I don't want to hear about it, Gordon. I really don't." Meanwhile, Loden was still rapidly typing at his computer. The Beethoven playing over the speakers abruptly stopped, and was replaced with industrial techno. "Let's celebrate!" Loden shouted. "Come on, sing it with me! ERASE THE SPACE, ERASE THE MEMORY!" "Gordon," Kiyone said, looking depressed. "Yes?" "WHAT I DON'T KNOW WILL NEVER HURT ME!" "Let's just save some time and go to the theater now. I have a feeling that, if we stay much longer, his head will start spinning around." "CANNOT FORGET, CANNOT REMEMBER!" "Good idea." "THIS INFORMATION IS FOREVER...MISSING TIME!" Urania, the latecomer to the spectacle, got as far as Loden's door before stopping, looking at Loden, looking at Kiyone and Freeman, and following the two with a shrug. Loden, now alone, continued yelling MDFMK lyrics for a few more seconds before remembering what he had been planning to do. With a cheery smile he turned off the music and headed for the theater. ------------------------ Loden Taylor presents: An MST of "Extremely Sick Sex Fest" and "Yosho, the Old Man who Rapes Teenage Boys" Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo!, and its characters, are the property of Pioneer and AIC. Gordon Freeman is the property of Valve software. Urania, on the other hand, belongs to the world. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue. As always, I'm open to C&C. My e-mail is loden_t@hotmail.com. And now, on with the MST! ------------------------ : Loden? Are you okay? You're acting strangely...well, more strangely than normal. : Actually, now that you mention it, I was feeling a little odd before... : No, really? : ...but I feel better now. Except...ah... : Yes? : ...what fic are we watching? : WHAT?!? You're kidding, right? : No, I honestly can't remember which one I picked. : Oh, then I guess you'll find out won't you? Just watch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't Sue ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ : That's nice. Kind of an inspirational message - "People, be nice to each other. Work out your differences outside of the courtroom. Please...Don't sue." : I'm sure that's exactly what he meant, too. Extremely Sick Sex Fest By the fucked up mind of AAA-PhuckNut : Oh, shit. : You're telling us. : God. Why did I pick this? : Oh, it gets better. We're doing two. : ...we are? : Yep. This one, and 'Yosho, the Old Man who Rapes Teenage Boys'. : ...oh, shit. Disclaimer: This Fic is extremely disgusting and filled with sex : A AAA-PhuckNut story? Disgusting and filled with sex? Go figure. : But is it "Extream-ly" disgusting? : Don't start. so you have to be 18+ to read this, oh, and read at your own risk. All the characters in this fic are owned by AIC and Pioneer, I do not claim these characters. _______________________________________________________________________ Tenchi woke up extra early this morning before Ryoko would show up so that Tenchi could test out something he's always wanted to do... : Meditate on the meaning of life? : Paint a self-portrait? : Choose one (or more) of the girls? : Kill Sakuya? : Knowing PhuckNut, that's probably it. "Yes! No body will be bothering me for at least 2 hours!" Tenchi gleefully said. "Now will be the perfect time to do what I've always wanted to do! SUCK MY OWN DICK!!" Tenchi beamed very proudly. : o_0 : We're always way off when it comes to these... : His own dick? Is that even possible? : I...I don't know...but I know someone who might. Hold on. Tenchi then got a big erection at the thought of this. : Words fail me. : I wish my sight would fail me. : The only thing that might fail me is my stomach. : Well, we might be due for a stomach-churner. No one has vomited in quite a while... : Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought. Um...no, I don't think so... Tenchi then bent forward as far as he could, but it just wasn't quite enough though, he was so close... : FAIL, TENCHI, FAIL! : Please fail. He pushed himself farther and farther and finally got it! : Dammit! Screw you, PhuckNut! : Wait, hold on...yeah, it looks like he just did. No? Okay, I just wanted to make sure. Um...yeah...you, too, I guess...okay, bye. "YES!" Tenchi managed to mumble out as he stuck his dick into his mouth. : Call me crazy, but self-fellation shouldn't be a lifelong goal. : With PhuckNut, who can tell? : Who was that, Loden? : Washu. She says that it's highly unlikely that anyone could bend that way, and, given Tenchi's frame and structure, it'd be impossible for him. : Anything else? : Yeah...she also said "enjoy your MST." Then she said "MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA." : Great. I'm glad we got that cleared up. Tenchi moaned as sucked his own dick faster and faster. : How? He's got his mouth full. : It'd be pretty embarrassing if he choked and was found in that position. : Ah, yes. I can see it now..."LOCAL TEEN FOUND DEAD - CHOKED ON OWN GENETALIA, SAY DOCTORS." : "Authorities question relatives, friends. 'He was just looking for the ultimate high,' says one." After a half-hour of dick sucking action, he finally blew his nut into his mouth. : Oh, God... : Yeah, thanks PhuckNut. I owe you. : We ALL do. : Blowing his nut...Is that like throwing a rod? : Close. Tenchi swallowed his own seed very happily, : Stupid poetic justice! Why did I pick this one? : You tell me. : Well, in a way, it's nice to see PhuckNut's work. : How's that? : I think of it as a constant in an ever-changing world. The sun will always rise in the east, and AAA-PhuckNut will always be one sorry, sick son of a bitch. "MMMMM! Absolutely FUCKING delicious!" Tenchi said after swallowing his jizz. : Yummy yummy yummy, he's got love in his tummy. : Dammit, Loden. Why do you say things that just make you feel sicker? : You AND us. : I can't help it. Maybe I'm a masochist. : Maybe you're just an idiot. Little did Tenchi know though, that he wasn't the only one commiting bizzare sexual acts this lovely morning... : WHY, damn you?!? WHY is everyone doing sick stuff?!? What's the justification?!? : Don't ask. AAA-PhuckNut's writing is on a "shit happens" level. : Right. "Why does everyone commit bizarre sexual acts? Just because." : It's like a force of nature. Does one question the motivations of a storm? No. Nor does one ask why Tenchi sucks himself off. _______________________________________________________________________ : Meanwhile, in the Hundred Acre Wood... : Any mention of Pooh sex and I start killing. : ...never mind. Noboyuki proceeded up the stairs to the shrine to meet his father-in-law, Yosho. : After dressing up in a tutu and raping a squirrel, right? : Sure. He probably killed Sakuya too, then ate Ryo-Ohki. : Why not? Roll them all into one. A AAA-PhuckNut uberfic. "Grrr, he's late again." said Yosho. Yosho opened up a orange blow-pop to satisfy his sucking need : NO! : Don't they have a patch for that sort of thing? : I think it's still going through FDA approval. : Damn. while he waited for Noboyuki to arrive. "Oh no! Im late again! I hope father isnt angry!" said Noboyuki. Noboyuki finally arrived at the shrine and apologized to Yosho for being late, : And now to Nobuyuki for the apology... "Im sorry for being late, honorable father." said Noboyuki. : And back to Yosho for the reply. "That is ok." said Yosho as he threw his blow-pop into the trash. : Are we going to get to hear about how the blow-pop reached the trash? : REDUNDANT MAN!! : With the power to repeat things several times while repeating things and not moving the plot one inch while things are being repeated and the plot doesn't move! And repeats! : Amazing, astounding, and amazing! "Shall we get started? Would you mind if I could go first?" asked Noboyuki. : YES! WE MIND VERY MUCH! "Yes you may go first Noboyuki, because I was first last time." said Yosho as he started to warm up his mouth muscels some more. : Yosho did wind sprints with his mouth, then 20 sets of situps... Noboyuki then took off his pants to reveal a large schlong. Yosho then started to work his mouth magic on Noboyuki's cock. : Mouth magic, eh? Now you see it, now you don't! : What don't we see anymore? : A single shred of decency. : You'll be seeing my lunch in a minute, though... "Mmmmmm, that feels so good father." moaned Noboyuki. Yosho then worked faster on Noboyuki's penis, slowly turning his penis orange from the blow-pop. : I may never eat one of those again. "Ooooohhhhh, YYESSSSSSSSS! here i come!" yelled Noboyuki. Noboyuki then exploded into Yosho's mouth. : The explosion caused Yosho's head to fly off and ricochet off of the shrine wall... Yosho held it in his mouth then stood up and kissed Noboyuki and spit half the jizz into Noboyuki's mouth so that he could swallow some too. : MMPH!! ...Oh, God... : There goes Loden. : I'm not too far behind. "mmmm, very tasty, Noboyuki" said Yosho. "Yes I agree very much." said Noboyuki. : WE DON'T! Just then Ryo-ohkie walked into the shrine, a very hungry Ryo-ohkie. When she saw Noboyuki's orange penis she thought it was a carrot, and she became overjoyed. : Oh, who wouldn't be? : Me. : Me. : Me. She lunged at Noboyuki and bit off his whole dick in one swift chomp. : Yay! Justice! Horrible, disgusting justice! : The justice is painful! It hurts me! : It hurts us all. "AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Noboyuki screamed as his cock was bitten off. Suprisingly though, Noboyuki seemed to be not mad at all. : Instead, he was full of pain, which left little room for anything else. "Noboyuki! Your penis was just bit off and you dont care at all??!!" beamed Yosho. : So Yosho is proud that Nobuyuki doesn't care? : And so AAA-PhuckNut uses the word 'beamed' in an incorrect manner once again. "No, actually I kinda like it. Cause now I got an extra hole for you to fuck!!!" said Noboyuki proudly. : See, THAT'S an appropriate place to use the word 'beamed.' : Grammatically, yes. But in every other sense...no. : It's the new Tool single - 'Hooker Without a Penis.' : Or 'Fic Without Any Redeeming Traits.' "Ahh yes! I see! I can insert my penis into the hole on the little remaining stub where your cock used to be!" said Yosho very excitedly. Yosho then removed his robe and stuffed his old schlong into Noboyuki's penis stub. : Yosho, no! : I never want to hear the phrase 'old schlong' again. : I never want to hear about penis stubs again. : I'll never look at either of them the same way. He then rapidly fucked Noboyuki. "Oh yes! Its so smooth!" yelled Yosho. : You know, if you squint enough, this fic almost looks like 'Casablanca.' : Really? : Yeah...yeah, I think I can see it! It's Casablanca! There's Humphrey Bogart, and there's... : Loden, you've got your eyes closed. : Oh. That would explain it, then. Noboyuki was in total exctasy from all the pleasure he was getting from Yosho fucking him in his small intestine. : I've seen horror. I've seen creatures and places so utterly alien, they're sanity blasting. But this...somehow, this really gets to you. : Tell me about it. AAA-PhuckNut has a reverse Midas touch. Everything he touches turns to hideous, sickening crap. Ryo-ohkie just watched with a puzzled look on her face, : And an orange phallus in her mouth... then she just left and headed back to the house. "Here I come!!!!" screamed Yosho. : Heeeeeeeeeeerrre's Johnny! Yosho then dropped a steaming hot load into Noboyuki's small intestine. : ...mmmph...Damn you! Damn......damn you PhuckNut!! : Easy, girl...easy...we've seen worse... : It's the 'steaming hot load' part that really gets you. : ...yeah... "That felt so great!! It was almost as good as getting fucked in the ass by an elephant!!" said Noboyuki excitedly. : You know, over-stimulation numbs him, but he wouldn't want Yosho any other way. : Heh. Been listening to Ænema again? : How could you tell? "You have been fucked in the ass by an elephant before??" questioned Yosho. "Yes it was pure exctasy!" said Noboyuki. : I'm guessing you could get the same effect by watching this fic. : No...this is like a herd of elephants. "Damn! You are one lucky bastard!" said Yosho. They both french kissed each other, then got dressed and headed to the house for breakfast. _______________________________________________________________________ : Let's go to Ed in the booth now for the instant replay... Tenchi had already gotten up and waited in the kitchen for Sasami earlier this morning. Everyone else arrived in the kitchen after smelling the good cooking. "Watcha cookin Sasami?" asked everyone else as they came into the kitchen. : Napalm! HA HA! BURN, YOU BITCHES, BURN! "Oh I cooked something we've never had before!" said a very proud Sasami. : If it's Nobuyuki's penis, I'm opening fire. "And what may that be?" asked Ryoko. "Elephant Penis!" said a happy Sasami. : Elephant Penis - now in your grocer's freezer. : It's what's for dinner! : Hey, everybody, I found the beef! : Where's the beef, indeed. "Sounds delicious!" said Ryoko and Ayeka. : If I can't get Tenchi's, then this will just have to do. : Woah...Kiyone, I'm shocked. : Actually, I am too. I think I've been here too long. Yosho and Noboyuki just looked at each other and smiled. : I've already had some of Tenchi's penis. : -_-" : I'm not quite as shocked by that, seeing as it's coming from you. Disgusted, yes. But not shocked. : Loden...you know what I've got to do, right? : Yes...it's okay...I know that you're just doing your job, and that <*WHAM!*>... : A simple 'yes' would've been fine. : You really got him that time...Loden, are you all right? : Phiine. Justh help me phindth the resth of my phathe. "All done! here ya go guys!" said Sasami. Sasami placed the platter with a giant sausage looking thing on it, down on the table. Everyone dug in and complemented Sasami on her excelent cooking. "Hey guys, I got something to show all of you." said Sasami. "What is it?" everyone asked. : It's DEATH! SUCK IT DOWN, WHORES! Sasami then jumped on the table and stripped naked quickly. She then grabbed Ryo-ohkie and masturbated with her head. : But why? Why, PhuckNut, why? : I had a vision...the Archangel Uriel descended from heaven and said, "d00d, j0's g0nn4 wr1t3 s0m3 phuck3d-up sh1t, d1g?" And then we feasted upon Oatmeal Cream Pies. And it was l33t. "Wow thats a great trick!" Tenchi said. : And now Mihoshi has an ice cream cone up her vagina. What a wonderful world! : God. It really wouldn't surprise me if that came next. Ayeka then grabbed ahold of Ryo-ohkies legs and spread the little cabbits pussy lips apart and started to lick them viciously. : MIYA! MIYA-WOW! : Ryo-Ohki Does Dallas - one cabbit's tale of sex, drugs, and carrots. After a while the little cabbit had an orgasm at the same time that Sasami had one. Both their female cum covering the table. : 'Both their female cum covering the table.' What? : Maybe it's a haiku. "Hey Ryoko... I got something I need to tell you." Tenchi said. : Ryoko, if ye love me, keep my commandments. : Yeah, yeah...and you will pray the Father, and he shall give me another comforter, right? : Oh yeah...$10 says that's Tenchi's next line. : Really? : No. "Ok Tenchi, lets go to your room." Ryoko said as she grabbed onto Tenchi and teleported them to Tenchi's room. "Ryoko... I... I... : Ryoko, I am the Walrus. : Ryoko, I am your father. : Ryoko, my friend, don't you start away uneasy. You poor old sod, you see it's only me. : I didn't know you listened to Tull. : It's good stuff. : Ryoko, I was working part time in the five and dime. The Boss was Mr. McGee... WANT TO FUCK YOU LIKE A WILD ANIMAL!!" Tenchi said nervously to Ryoko. : Wow. We were, once again, way off. : Someone might be tempted to think it's intentional. "Oh Tenchi!! You dont know how long I've waited for you to say that!!" said Ryoko very excitedly. : Wait, did you say that you wanted to do me? Damn, I thought you said that you found my Frank Zappa Album. : But...I want your dirty love. : No. Tenchi then felt a sudden wave of insanity come over him as he grabbed onto Ryoko and shoved his penis into her. : Stop the waves of insanity, child! "OOOOOOOHHH TENCHI!!! YEEEEEEESSSS!!!" screamed Ryoko. "GGGGRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRR!!!!" screamed Tenchi as his eyes suddenly glowed red. : Ryoko's genitalia contains teratogenic substances! Tenchi has become a mutant! : Oh no. As soon as Tenchi's eyes turned red, his penis just suddenly grew massive in girth and length. It grew so big that all the blood went to his penis and he fainted. : Hydraulic pump malfunction! The pressure's too high! : The penis then consumed its host body, reducing it to a shriveled husk. Detaching itself, it... His penis got so big it pierced through Ryoko's body and straight up through her head, splitting her whole body in half vertically. Each half of her body slid off Tenchi's penis and each one slid down to opposite sides of the bed. : I'd hate to be the homicide detective investigating THIS death. : Hmmmm...ah...yeah. Um...uh...okay. It's a suicide. Case closed. : Ooo! That's a slam on the cops. Are you going to stand for that, Kiyone? : Normally, no...but I'm feeling too drained to care right now. Then Tenchi's penis went back to its normal size and Tenchi woke up, "whaaa... whaat happend?" Tenchi said as he woke up. : Don't ask me. I'm still trying to figure it out. "OH MY GOD!!" Tenchi screamed as he saw Ryoko's mangled body halves. : THEY KILLED RYOKO! YOU BASTARDS! "It must have been that bitch Ayeka!!" Tenchi screamed not knowing that it was actually him. : Yeah...since, you know, she's always trying to kill people in strange and inventive ways... : LOGIC. Tenchi then ran down to the living room and up to Ayeka, who was sitting on the couch by herself, "You filthy hore!!!! : You stole the "w" from my curse! You killed my Ryoko!!!!" screamed Tenchi. : And I just made the last payment on her, too! "Wha.." is all that Ayeka got to say before Tenchi attacked. : UP NEXT on FOX! When TENCHI ATTACKS! Tenchi grabbed one of her nostrils and stretched it to acommodate his penis. He then rammed his hard cock up into her nose, shattering all her facial bones around her nose. : Wonderful. Not only is it impossible, but it's sick and stupid as well. : What did you expect? It's PhuckNut. : I wonder how much damage Tenchi's "hard cock" will do...maybe I should roll 1d6 to find out. : Right...and since his cock is a blunt object, it can be used by clerics. His cocked pierced up into her brain, then he blew his load into her brain. He pulled his penis out and watched as Ayeka wriggled around on the couch, : GNNAAAAHHHHGH! TAKE ME TO THE BIG PLACE! then finally died. _______________________________________________________________________ THE END : GOOD! Well how did you like my second fan fic? : We didn't. : It sucked, Johnny. It sucked soooooo fucking hard... Pretty fucking disgusting isnt it? : YES! Send me your comments at: viperz00@winfire.com : Right. Break time? : Break time. : Cool. ------------------------ Back in the lounge, Loden got a cream soda from the refrigerator and sat at the round conference table where the Kiyone, Freeman, and Urania were already engaged in light conversation. "So, Loden," Urania asked, "did you ever figure out what the hell was wrong with you earlier?" Loden shook his head. "No...but I did get this odd message from Washu just a few minutes ago." He reached into his pocket and withdrew a folded teletype. Unfolding it, he began to read. "Let's see...To Loden and the crew of the Escher...Dear Loden, by now you've probably guessed that your recent odd behavior has been caused by yours truly." "Did you guess that?" Kiyone asked. "Hell no." Loden replied. He read more: "You see, I've been putting a certain serum in your cream soda to make you act this way. How, you ask? Well, it was a simple matter of..." Loden trailed off, scanning the rest of the page. "I think we can skip that bit," he said, turning to the second page, which he also quickly scanned. "And this bit, too." Turning to the third page, he began reading once again: "...all very easy for the Greatest Scientific Mind in the Universe. Anyway, you're probably wondering WHY I went through all that trouble, simple though it was. Here's the answer - HA HA! You'll just have to wait until the experiment is complete to find out! Sincerely, Washu - the Greatest, blah blah, blah...p.s. Say hi to Kiyone for me." Kiyone blinked in surprise. "Wow. So Washu's been toying with your mind. That's comforting." Loden shrugged. "It could be worse," he said, opening his cream soda and drinking. "It could be Peter Suzuki..." "...hypnotizing you and programming you to kill Tank Cop, right," Freeman finished. "You know, you're really starting to get neurotic about that. And should you be drinking that cream soda if Washu has been tampering with it?" "Huh?" Loden looked at the bottle in his hand. "Oh. Well, I figure I've already had enough of it to affect me, so what harm will a little more do?" Urania snorted. "Not enough, apparently. Look, can we just get this next fic over with? Please?" Loden nodded. "Sure. Just let me finish my soda." Quickly guzzling the rest, he tossed the bottle away and followed the others as they left for the theater. ------------------------ : Right. Everybody ready? : No. : No. : No. : Okay! Here we go! Yosho, the old man who rapes teenage boys : Not a very good logo to have put on his business cards, is it? : Maybe he's a NAMBLA representative. By the super retarded kid from Seanbaby's page, ALIENBOY 52!!! : AKA, another person to hate. This story's characters are property of Pioneer and AIC, except for Seanbaby. If you don't know who Seanbaby is, the go to http://www.seanbaby.com. Also this story is intended for audiences over the age of 18, but who cares, it's hopefully so sick that no one would want to read it. : Then...WHY THE HELL DID YOU WRITE IT?!? : He needed to bring balance to the force. : Right...there wasn't enough 'suck' before. --- "Tenchi! Do it harder!" yelled Yosho : AHHHHH!! as he attacked Tenchi with his wooden sword. : : I wasn't scared. Were you scared? I wasn't. "Grandpa! I'm doing it as hard as I can!" Tenchi shouted back to his Grandpa while blocking the attack. : This dialogue is foreshadowing something, isn't it? : In a word, yes. Yosho quickly swung his sword around and hit Tenchi in the head. Tenchi fell onto the ground and passed out. : He stayed that way for the rest of the day, and the fic was over. : Well, that was easy. Let's go. Tenchi groggily woke up : Damn! and tried to stand up, but his legs wouldn't move. Tenchi blinked a few times and was able to see clearly now, : Yes, he can see clearly, now the rain is gone. : He can see all obstacles in his way. : And I'm guessing a big one is going to be Yosho. his legs were bound with rope to a pole, he was also naked and in his Grandpa's shrine. Tenchi tried to move his arms, but they were tied up to a pole as well. : It was a pole dancing exhibition gone horribly wrong. "Ryoko! Washu! Who ever you are! Let me out right now!" screamed Tenchi as he struggled to get out of the ropes. "Hehehe, so you finally woke up Tenchi!," snickered Yosho : Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a Snickers. as he walked towards Tenchi. "Grandpa!" yelled Tenchi in joy, "Hurry up and untie me! Someone tied me up!" : Hey, here's a hint, Tenchi...IT WAS YOSHO! : He's not the swiftest person in the world, is he? : Sometimes he seems like the kind of guy that takes an hour and a half to watch '60 Minutes.' Yosho looked at Tenchi and grinned, "Tenchi, you fool, I tied you up. If someone else tried to tie you up in my shrine they wouldn't have survived." : I, alone, hold the power to tie people up! "So is this part of my training then?" asked Tenchi. "If you were a woman, maybe, but no, I'm just horny," said Yosho as he started to take off his belt. : OH SHIT! : About to be analy raped by your grandfather? Grab a Snickers. : I say grab a Glock. : It looks like Yosho's been smoking too much crack. : Almost as much as the author. "Grandpa! NO! You can't be serious!" screamed Tenchi struggling even harder to get out of the ropes. "Tenchi!!!" yelled Yosho as he pulled out his penis from under his robes, "This will be fun!!!" : Does anyone have any sharp objects with them? I need to blind myself, like, right now. : Sorry, I left them all back in my room. Otherwise I'd be happy to oblige you. "No Grandpa! Please don't! Ryoko, Ayeka, Washu, Mihoshi, and even Sasami I can understand but why you?" pleaded Tenchi. : He could understand Sasami doing this? How? Why? : Oh, come on. You know that every girl in the house wants Tenchi's "Big Johnson." : Damned Shinji The 10 o'Clock Assassin... "Did you ever think why I let your pathetic father marry my daughter Tenchi?" asked Yosho. : If this guy thinks like AAA-PhuckNut does, then we probably already know the answer. "You bastard! Leave mother out of this!!!" screamed Tenchi. "I fucked Noboyuki, and he was pretty good too," stated Yosho, : AHHHHHHH!! : No! Wrong! "But still I've really been doing this since I was born on Jurai." : And that explains quite a bit, really... "Ewww..." gagged Tenchi, "That's kinda more than I needed to know Grandpa." : My sentiments exactly. : This must be why Loden doesn't allow alcohol in the theater. If he did, I'd be SOOOO drunk by now... "Shut up Tenchi!" commanded Yosho, "I'm going to fuck your ass, because right now you're my bitch!" : CHANGE MY PITCH UP! SMACK MY TENCHI UP...no, it's just not the same. : If Tenchi's the one about to get analy raped, then why does it feel like we're the ones getting screwed in the rear? : Let's see...people to kill. Alienboy 52. Right. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Tenchi. : Again, what I was going to say. It's like he's reading my mind! : Experience de power of de tarot for yourself! Call me! Ryo-Oh-Ki was busy hopping around in the carrot patch when suddenly it heard Tenchi scream coming from Yosho's shrine. "MIYA!!" it said to itself as it hopped towards the shrine. : Dammit, Yosho, you said I was your only bitch! : Kiyone, I think you've been here too long. : I know. It could hear Tenchi getting louder as it got closer to the door of the shrine. : Go figure. Should it be getting harder to hear Tenchi as she gets closer to the shrine? : Yes. The fic is so horrible, that even natural law becomes warped. Ryo-Oh-Ki looked inside of the shrine and saw Tenchi tied up and naked. Ryo-Oh-Ki entered the shrine and walked towards Tenchi, : Now's my chance! Hot, sweaty lemon scene with Tenchi, here I come! : Okay...I've got no problem with furry, but...EWW! but it only took a few steps when it was picked up by the scruff of the neck. "Now now Ryo-Oh-Ki, we can't have you telling Ryoko and Washu what's happening here can we?" questioned Yosho as he took his other hand and put it around Ryo-Oh-Ki's scrawny carrot fed neck. "MIYA!!!" cried Ryo-Oh-Ki as it tried to break free of Yosho's powerful grasp. : Uh-oh. It looks like Yosho's doing some big pimpin'...spendin' g's. If Ryoko hadn't been drinking sake that night she might have heard Ryo-Oh-Ki's cry, but unfortunately she had been trying to break an old record of two hundred and six bottles. : 22 bottles of sake on the wall, 22 bottles of sake...take one down, pass it around...damn! Where was I? 206 bottles of sake on the wall... Ryoko didn't remember if that was the record but when she woke up the next morning from drinking she saw the number written on her hand, it might have been an address, or an important number, : Or the MARK OF THE BEAST! but Ryoko figured if it was important she would have remembered, so she assumed that it must have been how many bottles of sake she drunk, because she had a terrible hangover. : Or, as Cartoon Network would put it, she had drunk a little too much "tea." : She should be careful. Alcohol poisoning could "send her to another dimension." : Another dimension, new galaxy. Intergalactic planetary. : What? : Never mind. Washu on the other hand was busy checking her experiment. : Damn you, potato! You WILL grow sprouts! Do you hear me?!? Her experiment was too see if Ryoko could figure out what the two hundred and six on her hand meant. : Wow. You know, that's actually kind of funny. : Are you...COMPLIMENTING the author?!? : God, no. I'm just assuming that it was a chance occurrence. A bunch of random typos that, somehow, managed to manifest themselves in the form of a funny gag. : Good. Washu figured Ryoko would never figure out that two hundred and six was really how many brain cells Mihoshi had multiplied by 10. : For all you math geniuses out there, that's 20.6 cells. : Thanks, Gordon. Washu was having a kick out of Ryoko getting drunk and trying to re-enact the entire war of 1812 : Huh? : Damn! Was I supposed to be France or England? before she passed out and fell face first onto the floor. But while she was having all this fun she forgot that she was supposed to be observing and she started to drink some of Ryoko's sake, Washu wasn't exactly a good drinker so within ten bottles she passed out too. : Okay, that's two down. Next? Mihoshi, well Mihoshi was being Mihoshi. : As opposed to being the foppish Lady Applebottom, who she was on Wednesdays. Let's just say that staring at the clothes spinning around in the drier isn't exactly the best way to spend evenings. : Oddly enough, it DOES get her a ton of dates. : You know, it really wouldn't surprise me if it did. Noboyuki was busy looking in Ayeka's window when Azaka and Kamidake ambushed him from behind. : So, Mr. Masaki, we meet again. : This time will be the last. Noboyuki and the logs fell from Ayeka's window and landed on the ground stirring up a huge commotion in Ayeka's room. Ayeka stuck her head out of the window to see Noboyuki and Azaka and Kamidake sprawled across the ground. "REALLY MR. MASAKI!!!" : Peep, if you have to, but don't get kinky with my guardians! : Eww. Log sex. : ...um...Kiyone? : Yes? : Keep up the good work. was all that Ayeka could say, but none of them could hear Ryo-Oh-Ki's cry for help, except for Sasami. : Of course. Go and put the cute, innocent one in the dangerously sick situation. Sasami was cleaning up the mess Ryoko and Washu made when she heard the cabbit's cry race through her head. : The cry did another lap, then came in to finish right behind the impulse to run as far away from the shrine as possible. "NO! Ryo-Oh-Ki! Yosho couldn't be doing that!" said Sasami thinking out loud, "but what if it is true! Oh no! Poor Tenchi! I'd better go check out the shrine!" : No, honey, you'd better not. Please don't. :Okay...I can handle Yosho as a wacked-out thug. If he wants to go to Tokyo and do drive by shootings, that's fine. But this...this is just plain wrong. : Maybe there's a message behind it all. : Like what? Is this supposed to be some sort of karmic retribution for not choosing any of the girls? : Um...yeah, good thinking. I was going to say the message was not to mix your whites with your colors when doing your laundry, but I think I like yours better. Sasami quickly ran to the shrine to see what was happening inside, but she had a bad feeling about what she would see at the shrine. : Duh! She quietly snook : Snook? : When did this become a Dr. Seuss story? around the shrine and looked in the door and saw Yosho with Ryo-Oh-Ki. "Stop this Yosho!" she cried as she leaped into the room, "what could possess you to do this?" : NOTHING. Now LICK ME. Yosho looked back on the little girl and smirked and said, "foolish girl can you not see it! I am not truly Yosho! I am, JESUS!!!" : WHAT?!? : The hell you are! "WHAT!!!" shouted Sasami. : Well. Things have definitely taken a turn for the surreal. : I get the feeling that he was looking to offend Christians with this. : Hell, I'm not even religious, and this still offends me. Is everyone sure that they have nothing to blind me with? : Believe me, if we had any sharp objects, we would've used them on ourselves by now. "I will teach you a lesson for getting in the way of the devene purpose of my father!" : Maybe it's just me, but I don't recall the purpose of God being to pound teenage boys in the ass. : I can't think of ANY God, Judeo-Christian or not, who had that specific purpose. : Maybe it's a commentary on the Church. : Maybe the author is just a sick bastard who should have his balls cut off. said our lord and saviour, Jesus, as he transformed and used his holy powers to bind Sasami to the floor. : Hmmm...we never learned about that miracle in Sunday school. "Sasami! I'm sorry I couldn't stop him," said Tenchi, as he tried even harder to get out of his ropes. "Well let's see what I should do first, I know! I'll shove Ryo-Oh-Ki up Tenchi's ass, hahahaha! : Uh-huh. So, the carpenter from Nazareth walked on water, turned water to wine, and SHOVED ANIMALS UP PEOPLES' ASSES. Right. I buy it. It will be fun, : Why?!? but first I must make heaven's lubricant, the eye blood of a young virgin! Hahahahaha!" shouted Jesus insanely. : That's it. I'm killing myself before this goes too far. : Wait, Urania! I just might have something that could save us. : Cyanide? : No...THESE! : Okay...I'll ask...what are they? : It my latest invention! ROSE-TINTED GLASSES! You all remember the fic translator? : Unfortunately. : Well, these work on the same basic principle. They take the fic you see, and turn it into something that won't cause you to projectile vomit. "NOOOO! Please don't Jesus! Don't you realize that you will make everyone puke if you fuck Sasami's eye socket!" shouted Tenchi. : Sounds good. Gimmie. : Wait, there's only three pair so we have to......draw...straws... : Thanks for picking the short one. "Exactly Tenchi! That's why I must do it! In the name of my father!" said Jesus as he took hold of Sasami's small and cute little head. <"You're right, Tenchi. That would be sick and disgusting. I'm sorry," said Yosho as he patted Sasami's cute little head.> : Wow! It really works! Thanks, Loden. : Yeah! Thanks! : Um...guys? : Don't worry, we'll give you a turn...uh...later on. Jesus plunged his penis into the little girl's eye socket and moved his penis in and out as blood flowed down his penis from her eye socket. All Sasami could do was to cry out in pain, at which Jesus went even and harder faster as he pumped her head. : Ahhhhhh... : HOLY SHIT!!! MMPHH!! BLEEEEEEEGHH!!! OH GOD! Jesus soon broke through all the barriers and punctured Sasami's brain leaving her a wriggling mess. : You should've given us these sooner, Loden. : Yeah, no kidding. : MAKE IT......MMMMPH......STOP!!! "SASAMI!!! NOOOO!!!" cried out Tenchi as he watched a loved one die at the hands of the Christian saviour. <"SASAMI!!! NOOOO!!!" cried out Tenchi as he watched a loved one die at the hands of the Christian saviour.> : AHHHH!! : What the hell?!? : Dammit, Loden. The glasses stopped working! : I...I don't want......to hear...about it... "Now Tenchi I have enough lubricant to shove Ryo-Oh-Ki up your ass! Hahahahaha!!!" laughed the insane Jesus as he coated Ryo-Oh-Ki with Sasami's eye blood. : Damn. Reality bites. : No kidding. Jesus took the pathetic blood-smeared cabbit and shoved it up Tenchi's tight teenaged ass when suddenly a ray of hope arised. : The world ended. : That's a happy enough ending for me. It was the one, the only, SEANBABY!!! : WHO?!? "EAT COCK GUN WHORE!!!" yelled Seanbaby as he shot his cock into Jesus' head and laughed as he died. : Well, then. There you have it. : I was going to suggest they cut off Yosho's head and stuff the mouth with garlic, but I guess this works just as well. "Thanks Seanbaby! I'll always love you," said Tenchi as he spread his legs out just a bit to let more anal blood drip onto the floor. And with that the super-hero Seanbaby saved the day, and later beat up Mega Man, but that's another story. : A story we'll be sure NOT to read. The End : It's over, but it still hurts... : Quit your whimpering. --- Authors Notes. Yes I know that Seanbaby would probably never save Tenchi, but still I wanted the story to have a positive message : Positive message my ass! while still trying to be a really sick fanfic. : You succeeded. Gods damn you, you succeeded. I probably would have liked to add more of a Tenchi/Yosho(Jesus) scene but, I didn't feel like writing anymore. : GOOD. I probably wont write a Tenchi Muyo fanfic ever again, : YES! This calls for a celebration! : Later. My stomach can't handle any excitement right now. because I must devote more time to loving Seanbaby, and worshipping him. Insult me at alienboy52@hotmail.com : WE WILL. Or go to Seanbaby's Homepage at http://www.seanbaby.com. Thank you, yes I know you all want to kill me now. : Or, at the very least, ram a cattle prod through your eye and into your brain. : Amen to that. Can we leave? : Yes. God, yes. Leaving is good. ------------------------ "Okay, could you just go through it one more time?" Kiyone asked as she prevented Loden from using the subspace portal generator that he had received only minutes ago. Loden handed her the note which had accompanied the generator. "It was Washu," he said, strapping on the last bits of his X-Com issue powered armor. "She's been playing me like a two-bit fiddle. Putting that serum in my cream soda to make me pick those two fics...the AAA-PhuckNut was to prime me for 'Yosho'." "Prime you?" Loden nodded. "PhuckNut made me sick, and Alienboy 52 pushed me over the edge. And then, when I got out of the theater, the generator was waiting for me. Look on the back of the note." Kiyone flipped it over. "It looks like an address." "It's Alienboy 52's home address. Do you see now? Those dreams...subconsciously, I knew. Except it wasn't Peter Suzuki using me, it was Washu. It was Washu the whole time." Loden stood and hefted his heavy plasma rifle. "And now all I have to do is step through that portal and kill Alienboy 52, and Washu's plans will have come to fruition." "Wait, wait...you're not being FORCED to do this, right? If you know what you're SUPPOSED to do, then why don't you just not do it?" Loden shrugged. "Well, you know...I figure that she's gone through all this trouble, I might as well be a good pawn. Besides, I'm kinda bored, and this'll be fun." Loden strapped on his helmet and waved. "See ya!" he said, activating the portal generator. "Hey, Loden!" Gordon shouted, walking in from the hallway. "Do you want our scores, or what?" "Oh yeah..." Loden stepped back and grabbed his clipboard from the table. "Okay, hit me." "Right. First the AAA-PhuckNut. Stupidity: 4.67. Disgustingness: 5. Disturbability: 4.3. Got that?" "Righto!" Loden did some quick calculations. "And with mine, we get 4.34, 5, and 4.17. How about 'Yosho'?" "Straight fives." Loden nodded, the armor's servos moving with surprising flexibility. "I've got to agree. 5, 5, and 5." Gordon whistled. "That's the first one to ever score that bad. Not that I disagree..." "Uh-huh. Look, I'll be back later." Loden turned and jumped through the subspace portal just as Urania stepped into the lounge. "Where's he going?" Urania asked, taking a seat at the table. Freeman shrugged. "I don't remember. Probably nowhere important." ------------------------ And so, with the death of a lemon author close at hand, it would seem that justice had been served. But there would undoubtedly be other authors and other lemons to deal with... Until we MST again... ------------------------ Stinger: Yosho looked back on the little girl and smirked and said, "foolish girl can you not see it! I am not truly Yosho! I am, JESUS!!!"